Bleeding Heart

So I am starting my next frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle and it has brought back all the emotions of this process. I feel a bit like a big open wound, oozing and fragile ready to break apart at the slightest shearing force.

I kept thinking of this Regina Spektor song (for the longest time I couldn’t find it after I heard it on the radio a few months ago and it made me cry):

Someday you’ll grow up and then you’ll forget
All of the pain you endured
Until you walk by, a sad pair of eyes
And up will come back all the hurt
And you’ll see their pain as they look away
And you want to help, but there’s just no way
Cause you won the war so it’s not your turn
But everything inside still burns
Never never mind bleeding heart, bleeding heart
Never never mind your bleeding heart
Never never mind bleeding heart, bleeding heart
Never never mind your bleeding heart

 

I think its more about coming of age but it struck a chord for me. I try to put on a brave face and stuff my feelings back inside but then there are times like these past few days when things start coming to the surface. Last night I opened up to my brother (who is 4 years younger and expecting baby #2 in a few weeks) about our struggles. I just get so weepy even talking about it lately that it’s honestly just not even possible for me to have an adult conversation about it without having a mini breakdown. It is equal parts sadness, fear, shame, loneliness and longing I think. So my default response to all of these overwhelming feelings = tears. I don’t think the estrogen I’m on is helping in the least.

I think it is just hard for me to be vulnerable and try to let go and hope that this process works. I am already grieving this cycle like it has failed yet some part of me is secretly hoping I could prove myself wrong. I’m almost embarrassed to even fathom that this could work for us yet logically I know we have a good chance.¬†Hopefully one day I will look back on this time and be able to say that I did win the war…

Another friend of mine who has been an IF ally just told me last week that she is pregnant. It happened naturally for them after over 4 years of TTC and a few failed treatments. I am thrilled for her but it just sort of makes me feel sad to have lost another friend/ally in a way. As her joy grows, I feel my sadness also blossoming. It is just a lonely place to be and the longer we are on this road that more isolated it feels as the supports you have lose the encouraging words and I want to talk about things less and less.

Throughout all this I have to work (as an ER doctor) so I really need to put my feelings aside and focus…I just need to make it through a hellish next few days and there will be a bit of respite….I also have a visit with my mom coming up which will be a lovely reprieve I am sure.

On another positive note, I joined a yoga studio for the next month and I went to my first class today. It was refreshing and although my mind was busier than I would like I find the meditation and breathing very helpful while going through this process.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and I so hope that tonight is not a complete gong show!

Kintsukuroi

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This weekend I was lucky enough to complete a challenging and fun road race in the beautiful “cottage country” area in Ontario. This race was special because it also incorporates music and live bands along the route and after the race there’s a concert. The race was fun, it wasn’t easy and I wish I had trained more but I was glad I was able to push myself and finished my second 10 km. Now I’m looking at doing another one in a couple weeks to see if I can beat my PB from last year :).

The concert was really good too, the band Hey Rosetta! are really talented and they totally stole the show. I first heard of the concept of Kintsukuroi from them via CBC radio 2 (it’s the title of a song from their label). It is inspired by a Japanese art form that involves piecing back together broken pottery with gold lacquer – creating a more beautiful piece as time goes one with more cracks and imperfections. Its a nice image and message. Maybe the things that break us can make us more beautiful versions of ourselves, and hopefully stronger and more resilient.

Either way, I do like the song even though I’m not sure how much the song has to do with the message.

Anyway. Happy Monday.

 

 

 

Where is my mind?

 

 

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So, I’m back.

Still not pregnant.

When I went off the pill I could never have imagined how far down this rabbit hole we would be 4 years later, it’s actually sad when I add up the time so I just don’t or rationalize things away….To be fair the first 6+ months were a was because we lived in different cities, but still.

Since I last posted we have tried our first frozen embryo transfer (FET) with a genetically normal embryo that did not work…

It is sad & shitty and not what I wanted. But, I guess all we can do is move forward because the other options are, well, are there any?

After more testing (an ERA – Endometrial receptivity assay) and some trips I am about to embark on my next FET. It is so f-ing scary. To let yourself hope and think about names and due dates and then, nothing….This process can really be heartbreaking. As much as I want a baby (sometimes I’m still trying to figure out how much that is…) this is pretty emotionally taxing. Like, seriously, why aren’t we good enough/lucky enough to just be able to be parents? It really is a mind f++k sometimes.

I don’t know, I think I’m just already grieving this cycle as if it hasn’t worked. In fact I’ve already made an appointment to get a second opinion. I think it is just self preservation. I wish I could be one of those hopelessly optimistic people but it’s just not in my DNA. Maybe I read too much. I wish I was more ignorant sometimes. And I wish I could have blind faith in this process. It’s just that I know it doesn’t work and when you break down the stats it can be scary how often it doesn’t work….

Ah…sorry. I’m just having a moment and needed to vent. I feel like my outlets to do that are maybe getting smaller. My DH is away and I’m lonely and sometimes this process really sucks.

BUT – I know I am lucky. We have a chance. We have a good chance. I am healthy. I don’t have any terrible diseases (that I know of) and we have meaningful careers and a good marriage. I am lucky. I will survive.

F**k. Sometimes I wish I could be happy with having a dog. Maybe I could be….