Bleeding Heart

So I am starting my next frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle and it has brought back all the emotions of this process. I feel a bit like a big open wound, oozing and fragile ready to break apart at the slightest shearing force.

I kept thinking of this Regina Spektor song (for the longest time I couldn’t find it after I heard it on the radio a few months ago and it made me cry):

Someday you’ll grow up and then you’ll forget
All of the pain you endured
Until you walk by, a sad pair of eyes
And up will come back all the hurt
And you’ll see their pain as they look away
And you want to help, but there’s just no way
Cause you won the war so it’s not your turn
But everything inside still burns
Never never mind bleeding heart, bleeding heart
Never never mind your bleeding heart
Never never mind bleeding heart, bleeding heart
Never never mind your bleeding heart

 

I think its more about coming of age but it struck a chord for me. I try to put on a brave face and stuff my feelings back inside but then there are times like these past few days when things start coming to the surface. Last night I opened up to my brother (who is 4 years younger and expecting baby #2 in a few weeks) about our struggles. I just get so weepy even talking about it lately that it’s honestly just not even possible for me to have an adult conversation about it without having a mini breakdown. It is equal parts sadness, fear, shame, loneliness and longing I think. So my default response to all of these overwhelming feelings = tears. I don’t think the estrogen I’m on is helping in the least.

I think it is just hard for me to be vulnerable and try to let go and hope that this process works. I am already grieving this cycle like it has failed yet some part of me is secretly hoping I could prove myself wrong. I’m almost embarrassed to even fathom that this could work for us yet logically I know we have a good chance.¬†Hopefully one day I will look back on this time and be able to say that I did win the war…

Another friend of mine who has been an IF ally just told me last week that she is pregnant. It happened naturally for them after over 4 years of TTC and a few failed treatments. I am thrilled for her but it just sort of makes me feel sad to have lost another friend/ally in a way. As her joy grows, I feel my sadness also blossoming. It is just a lonely place to be and the longer we are on this road that more isolated it feels as the supports you have lose the encouraging words and I want to talk about things less and less.

Throughout all this I have to work (as an ER doctor) so I really need to put my feelings aside and focus…I just need to make it through a hellish next few days and there will be a bit of respite….I also have a visit with my mom coming up which will be a lovely reprieve I am sure.

On another positive note, I joined a yoga studio for the next month and I went to my first class today. It was refreshing and although my mind was busier than I would like I find the meditation and breathing very helpful while going through this process.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and I so hope that tonight is not a complete gong show!

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5 thoughts on “Bleeding Heart

  1. I know EXACTLY what you mean about the open wound. In fact I remember writing something similar. Each cycle feels harder to get positive about with reminders of failure in the past (I talked about it with a counsellor and she thinks it’s a form of PTSD). And part of you brain screams out ‘only crazy people keep doing the same thing and expecting different results’. You sound a lot like me. I found the repeated failures harder and harder (particularly as everything else in life I have found achievable with hard work and effort). I found on my last cycle (our first donor egg cycle) that for the first time I just let go. I was so tired of being fed up and miserable, I was bored of feeling that way. So I actually found it easier to just let go, aim for neutral, make lots of back up plans for cool travelling adventures if it didn’t work out. It did work (and that was probably due to the donor eggs rather than my new attitude) and I’m now 19 weeks. But I have to say, the attitude really helped me get through it. I just stopped caring so much. Which sounds strange. I also did a lot of yoga in preceeding months and found that really helpful for letting go. Anyway sorry for lost comment just wanted to send hugs and lots of luck for thus cycle.

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    • Thank you for the response!! Congrats on your pregnancy :). I am trying hard to make it to that point of letting go and just realizing it is out of my control at this point. Some days it works, today is not one of those days ;). I am also waiting for my hubby to get home from a deployment through the military (he’s gone for one more month) so it is just a trying time as well. I do have an appointment for a second opinion and then a cool trip booked in August so I know if it doesn’t work I will survive but sometimes there are just too many FEELs!!

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      • Of course! And being home alone on hormones doesn’t help anyone feel stable does it?! (Sometimes I feel like staggered at the amount of stress the process puts one through). Don’t ever beat yourself up for feeling a certain way either. I definitely found yoga helped a lot, and also talking to an infertility counsellor helped…if only to have someone (i.e. an expert) validate my feelings face to face. Just try to do small things each day during the cycle that aren’t related to IVF and that make you happy. Be that yoga, talking to a friend, watching a funny film…a bit of laughter helps enormously. Sometimes the small things can make a big difference. Anyway I’m sure you know all this. Sending hugs XXX

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  2. I remember that awful left behind feeling when friends get their positives and move on, sorry. I was also totally convinced that our fourth IVF would be another failure. I couldn’t imagine that it might ever happen for us. So it came as a total shock when we got a positive! I really hope for you that this FET will be successful for you! Try to stay positive if you can. Each embryo is totally different and this could be your little fighter! Thinking of you xx

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