Endless Mindgames

So, since my last post I had my positive pregnancy confirmed by blood work (a nice solid number). I think the happy/relaxed part of my brain is malfunctioning. I immediately started worrying about the next one. The next one had increased nicely, and seems to be *just* about double the first one (well within normal limits of doubling time) but I just can’t seem to shut off the worry and negative thoughts.  I think following too many IVF forums with women posting and it almost feels like a competition (whose beta is highest, how fast it can double etc). I think it is at times making this process more anxiety provoking because I am comparing myself to others which is completely irrational especially when it comes to beta levels as there is such a wide range of normal levels.

Through all the ups and downs I have been going through my husband remains away for work and I just need him with me. I think my heart and mind will feel a lot happier when he is by my side. It has been a long few months without him,

So for now I am waiting to hear when my ultrasound will be and trying to remain present and feel grateful that we have made it this far. I will say again having not traditionally been a super anxious person I am surprised how hard this has been for me to not let my mind spin and worry. It is a work in progress!

I have been listening to Fleetwood Mac on repeat and I’m connecting with this song today:

I never did believe in miracles
But I’ve a feeling it’s time to try
I never did believe in the ways of magic
But I’m beginning to wonder why

 

 

Letting Go

So I caved and POAS a few days ago and it was a BFP. So many emotions have been running through my mind. Of course I was very excited and felt the immediate desire to tell everyone and anyone. I managed to bite my tongue, at least a little anyway but I did share it with my DH, mom and a couple close friends who knew the details of what we have been going through.

After the initial shock/excitement I also experienced fear and worry. What if I miscarry? What if this is ectopic? What if the beta doesn’t double appropriately?

I think infertility has changed my perspective and unfortunately caused me to react with more worry than I really should. I think that is probably a very normal response given that for us this means so much and it has taken so much time to get this much desired result. It is hard not to fluctuate between thinking about names and due dates to the crushing possibility that it could all be torn from under me.

I am trying to let go of the worry and planning and focus on the present. Sometimes it is not working that well but I will continue to try. I went to yoga today and yesterday. The theme was transformation yesterday – we spent 5 minutes chanting Om Namah Shivaya in unison (trust me I was skeptical too but it was pretty powerful when you stop thinking and just do it). Loosely translated this means “to bow to the inner self”. The instructor encouraged us to open our hearts and prepare for whatever transformation we were currently experiencing. I thought this was quite relevant to my current situation. It is a peculiar place to be, on the precipice of pure joy and yet also guarding my heart out of fear for the possible down fall. I read this blog post that I think summarizes some of the problems with holding on to worries and fears, I think she is right that it does come out of a place of trying to control the outcome of what is going to happen. Take a gander if you’re interested:

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/letting-go-worry-weighs-us-down/

Although I would not say that I suffer from anxiety, I will say that this infertility journey has tested me more than anything else ever has. It has brought out sides of me I am not proud of but also reminded me that I am resilient and that my relationship with my husband is solid and continues to grow.

So, all that to say, for now I am a little bit pregnant. I am trying to relish this time and hoping that we continue to get good news in the coming days. Thank you for letting me use this as a tool to unload my worries and fears, it has definitely been helpful for me.

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Landslide

I’m feeling kind of melodramatic this morning. Just emotional and vulnerable. Raw.

Stevie Nicks cuts right to the core. In this song, I feel I built my life around the idea of a child…and maybe it is just the uncertainty of whether or not that will happen that is making this so hard.

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older, too

I am still in the trenches of the two-week wait (2WW) (currently 8 days post 5 day transfer). I have held off testing (or “Peeing on a Stick” (POAS)) so far but the temptation is getting stronger. The only reason I haven’t is because I have to work in a few minutes and I just don’t know if I can hold it together enough to care about other people’s problems if I get a BFN….I just need to push all of my own crap out of my brain to be able to do my job effectively. It is a challenge to say the least.

So, I am going to wait another couple of days to test. I just wish I had a crystal ball. I am trying not to over analyze every twinge or continually squeeze my breasts to make sure they are still sore (this makes no sense b/c they were already sore from the medications before transfer so not a very good indication).

I think in my mind I’ve already started grieving a little, just the way I work I think. Also because nothing has worked yet I sort of feel like “why would this’? Anyway, I am trying to stay strong but just worred about the fall out of yet another BFN….I just so wish we could be the lucky ones sometimes. I think we could be pretty good at being parents…

Anyway. Enough of my rambling. This sh*t is hard!!!

Either Way

This song isn’t really about infertility at all but the raw emotion in his voice really hits me in the gut. I think I see everything through a lens of my own experience so I can relate to some of it, sometimes it would be nice to just be able to walk away from the whole process, to be “…past the point of give a damn”. Mostly I just like this song though. I never used to be a country fan but in the last few years its been growing on me.

I will say that I am fortunate that through all of the stress infertility has put on us I think we have remained united and for the most part still happy and definitely in love. So I know I am fortunate and I can’t wait to have my DH back home (he’s been overseas for the last few months with the military). It has been lonely here without him.

And, I have a slightly major update. I have a little embryo on board. It was transferred yesterday. It survived and was expanding when they transferred it. I have a different feeling this time. Although a million things are going through my brain at times I do feel more calm this time. I am sure when it gets closer to the end of the two-week wait I might be singing a different song but for now I am feeling happy and hopeful so I will take it for now. My friend joined me for the transfer (didn’t come in the procedure room but waited with me and we went for breakfast afterwards). It was nice to catch up and it made the process less stressful having her there. If this works it will be quite the story – DH is in another continent and my friend was with me when I get pregnant ;).

And….it if it doesn’t work I’m going to be very sad….BUT, I have almost convinced DH that we should get a puppy. I know the puppy won’t fix everything but I do think it would help to ease the ache and the need to care for something. Anyway, I have a back up plan so that helps.

Happy Wednesday all.