Landslide

I’m feeling kind of melodramatic this morning. Just emotional and vulnerable. Raw.

Stevie Nicks cuts right to the core. In this song, I feel I built my life around the idea of a child…and maybe it is just the uncertainty of whether or not that will happen that is making this so hard.

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older, too

I am still in the trenches of the two-week wait (2WW) (currently 8 days post 5 day transfer). I have held off testing (or “Peeing on a Stick” (POAS)) so far but the temptation is getting stronger. The only reason I haven’t is because I have to work in a few minutes and I just don’t know if I can hold it together enough to care about other people’s problems if I get a BFN….I just need to push all of my own crap out of my brain to be able to do my job effectively. It is a challenge to say the least.

So, I am going to wait another couple of days to test. I just wish I had a crystal ball. I am trying not to over analyze every twinge or continually squeeze my breasts to make sure they are still sore (this makes no sense b/c they were already sore from the medications before transfer so not a very good indication).

I think in my mind I’ve already started grieving a little, just the way I work I think. Also because nothing has worked yet I sort of feel like “why would this’? Anyway, I am trying to stay strong but just worred about the fall out of yet another BFN….I just so wish we could be the lucky ones sometimes. I think we could be pretty good at being parents…

Anyway. Enough of my rambling. This sh*t is hard!!!

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