Endless Mindgames

So, since my last post I had my positive pregnancy confirmed by blood work (a nice solid number). I think the happy/relaxed part of my brain is malfunctioning. I immediately started worrying about the next one. The next one had increased nicely, and seems to be *just* about double the first one (well within normal limits of doubling time) but I just can’t seem to shut off the worry and negative thoughts.  I think following too many IVF forums with women posting and it almost feels like a competition (whose beta is highest, how fast it can double etc). I think it is at times making this process more anxiety provoking because I am comparing myself to others which is completely irrational especially when it comes to beta levels as there is such a wide range of normal levels.

Through all the ups and downs I have been going through my husband remains away for work and I just need him with me. I think my heart and mind will feel a lot happier when he is by my side. It has been a long few months without him,

So for now I am waiting to hear when my ultrasound will be and trying to remain present and feel grateful that we have made it this far. I will say again having not traditionally been a super anxious person I am surprised how hard this has been for me to not let my mind spin and worry. It is a work in progress!

I have been listening to Fleetwood Mac on repeat and I’m connecting with this song today:

I never did believe in miracles
But I’ve a feeling it’s time to try
I never did believe in the ways of magic
But I’m beginning to wonder why

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Endless Mindgames

  1. Congrats on the rising betas! It’s really difficult to not compare. I hope your ultrasound is sooner rather than later because there really is difficult to get off the crazy train. I have no advice. Just virtual hugs. xx

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  2. Yeah I’ve had a lot of the anxiety too. Being pregnant after infertility can be really hard because you are so used to things not going your way for so long and also you’ve heard so many stories of how things can go wrong. Once you see a heartbeat on a screen, hopefully you can relax a bit!

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