So I caved and POAS a few days ago and it was a BFP. So many emotions have been running through my mind. Of course I was very excited and felt the immediate desire to tell everyone and anyone. I managed to bite my tongue, at least a little anyway but I did share it with my DH, mom and a couple close friends who knew the details of what we have been going through.
After the initial shock/excitement I also experienced fear and worry. What if I miscarry? What if this is ectopic? What if the beta doesn’t double appropriately?
I think infertility has changed my perspective and unfortunately caused me to react with more worry than I really should. I think that is probably a very normal response given that for us this means so much and it has taken so much time to get this much desired result. It is hard not to fluctuate between thinking about names and due dates to the crushing possibility that it could all be torn from under me.
I am trying to let go of the worry and planning and focus on the present. Sometimes it is not working that well but I will continue to try. I went to yoga today and yesterday. The theme was transformation yesterday – we spent 5 minutes chanting Om Namah Shivaya in unison (trust me I was skeptical too but it was pretty powerful when you stop thinking and just do it). Loosely translated this means “to bow to the inner self”. The instructor encouraged us to open our hearts and prepare for whatever transformation we were currently experiencing. I thought this was quite relevant to my current situation. It is a peculiar place to be, on the precipice of pure joy and yet also guarding my heart out of fear for the possible down fall. I read this blog post that I think summarizes some of the problems with holding on to worries and fears, I think she is right that it does come out of a place of trying to control the outcome of what is going to happen. Take a gander if you’re interested:
Although I would not say that I suffer from anxiety, I will say that this infertility journey has tested me more than anything else ever has. It has brought out sides of me I am not proud of but also reminded me that I am resilient and that my relationship with my husband is solid and continues to grow.
So, all that to say, for now I am a little bit pregnant. I am trying to relish this time and hoping that we continue to get good news in the coming days. Thank you for letting me use this as a tool to unload my worries and fears, it has definitely been helpful for me.