Where is my mind?

 

 

 

So, I’m back.

Still not pregnant.

When I went off the pill I could never have imagined how far down this rabbit hole we would be 4 years later, it’s actually sad when I add up the time so I just don’t or rationalize things away….To be fair the first 6+ months were a was because we lived in different cities, but still.

Since I last posted we have tried our first frozen embryo transfer (FET) with a genetically normal embryo that did not work…

It is sad & shitty and not what I wanted. But, I guess all we can do is move forward because the other options are, well, are there any?

After more testing (an ERA – Endometrial receptivity assay) and some trips I am about to embark on my next FET. It is so f-ing scary. To let yourself hope and think about names and due dates and then, nothing….This process can really be heartbreaking. As much as I want a baby (sometimes I’m still trying to figure out how much that is…) this is pretty emotionally taxing. Like, seriously, why aren’t we good enough/lucky enough to just be able to be parents? It really is a mind f++k sometimes.

I don’t know, I think I’m just already grieving this cycle as if it hasn’t worked. In fact I’ve already made an appointment to get a second opinion. I think it is just self preservation. I wish I could be one of those hopelessly optimistic people but it’s just not in my DNA. Maybe I read too much. I wish I was more ignorant sometimes. And I wish I could have blind faith in this process. It’s just that I know it doesn’t work and when you break down the stats it can be scary how often it doesn’t work….

Ah…sorry. I’m just having a moment and needed to vent. I feel like my outlets to do that are maybe getting smaller. My DH is away and I’m lonely and sometimes this process really sucks.

BUT – I know I am lucky. We have a chance. We have a good chance. I am healthy. I don’t have any terrible diseases (that I know of) and we have meaningful careers and a good marriage. I am lucky. I will survive.

F**k. Sometimes I wish I could be happy with having a dog. Maybe I could be….